i'm done
by Trabantlight
Summary: Inside Rachels thoughts during the Breakaway scene in Frenemies 5x9 Sort of a Sequel/Companion piece to i am sorry. Hurt without Comfort
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Do not own it

A/N: I had some requests of writing a sort of sequel to i am sorry, so while the site was down i typed up rachels perspective of the same moments. Maybe other oneshots/ additional chapters will follow up when trio airs.

Have fun reading and please review.

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**I'm done**

Betrayal. I know exactly how it feels like. After the shocking surprise, which lets you freeze for moments that feel like entire centuries, comes the denial. You don't want to believe what is happening right in front of your eyes, are convinced that it is an illusion, an empty nightmare that you will forget as soon as you finally wake up. Just that you don't, because it is really happening, as much as you wish it isn´t. Then Anger sets in, white-hot, scalding and burning through every cell in your body. No matter how rational or emotional you normally are, no matter how much you promised to never ever make the mistake of overreacting again, you must strike out. You must hurt the offender, if only from what comes next. Because as long as you are angry, this endless pain and immense hopelessness will never set in and you won't feel the need to drop down and cry. Being angry feels good, you can use it to fight and strike out as much as you took in. It gives you the power to ruin as much as you were ruined. However the flames ignited by the ones you once thought your best friends will burn down. Their energy will fade quickly, because in the end the overwhelming pain will be too much. This last phase is the hardest. To deal with the shambles of your heart, picking up what you can and putting it back together.

I am there now on this last part of the journey, although I might be thrown back, when faced with the traitor again. As I pack my last parts of clothing, the immense hurt settles in, almost bringing me to my knees. I know this will be the end of yet another friendship, and probably a deep crack in the other one. I should have known that in the end I was the only one I can trust, apart from my parents. Why did I think that the two sitting in the kitchen area right now, would be any different from what they were in High school, that we would outgrow our differences and pettiness and form a real bond, unbreakable and true? Maybe that's what makes betrayals so unbearable in the end. The torn hope and crushed dreams. I try to tear my thoughts forcefully out of that dark maelstrom. They are not worth my tears. Never before, and certainly not now. I still have a dream left. The one thing that always got me through, that never left my side, that no matter how much I doubted it happening, came true in the end. I will be a star, no matter what.

As I close my first suitcase, my eyes wander about the room. It looks empty, hollow like my heart. The ghosts of laughter and shared moments still linger, but the cold wind sweeping in from the open window will soon chase them from my former home. It feels strange knowing I would walk out the front door in a moment and closing a chapter of my life I will hopefully never reopen. Maybe I will just pick my own place now. Something small, like a hole I wish I could disappear into right now. Or maybe a shared flat again, with somebody new. A stranger… Maybe, when that person would betray me sometime in future, because I have no doubt they will, it would hurt a bit less. Shaking my head I pick up a forgotten book from the floor beside the bed. My fingers trail along the title. It was a Christmas gift from her. A collection of creative insults in 20 different languages. We laughed at the joke, but maybe I should have learned some of them. They would have served me brilliantly half an hour ago. It slips from my fingers, landing with a loud thus, as a soft sob escapes my lips, but I repress everything else that wants to break out. I don't want them to hear, when I finally break down. I don't want to give them the satisfaction that they got to me. It all starts relaying once more when I close my eyes and I hold onto myself, hoping it doesn't rip me apart.

I kind of waited for it. Waited for her to reveal Snixx again, waiting for him to fall back into the role as neutral observer. Those are, after all, the roles they had ever since I know them. I believed that they had changed. How wrong I was… Stupid. Naiv. I should have known that the friendship with her was a con, tagging along my coattails till the moment she would be able to take over. The worst about everything is the broken trust. When we first became friends, I expected the insults, the shameless bragging about herself and the diggings at my failures, breaking out of her at one point or another. What I wasn't prepared for was that I had begun to trust her, seeing and liking me regardless of faults. She defended and protected me, making me believe there was a different girl underneath the ruthlessness I knew before. Once again I took a risk at opening up to someone. But she threw it right back into my face in the worst way ever, with the most favourite song I ever had. I understand what Kurt meant about the understudy being a great opportunity for her, but what he didn't get was that it wasn't so much about the auditioning itself, more about the way she did it. She tainted what was one of my few amazing memories of high school, something that made me believe in what I am and what I want to be. That, followed by the colourful description of what she really thinks of me, ripped everything between us beyond repair and brought us right to this point.

I zip the second suitcase up, tears welling in the eyes of seeing everything I needed with me, packed up. Pulling up my coat, I try to recreate the anger I felt in the fight before. They had no right to make me feel like this. She had no right at all to destroy and poison my dream. Summoning up every bit of resolve left I put on my coat, grab the weekend – case and step out into the common area. They stand up, abruptly and slightly shaky, their faces surprised, as if they didn't really suspect me to go through with the decision. I hug him only shortly, trying not to totally freeze up. Staying out of the conflict lost him my respect and the trust, but maybe a loose friendship might be salvable. I turn towards her and try to ignore the emotions running through me. Too much, too soon… I needed time to deal with this, but now was neither the place nor the appropriate moment. Her body is tense, maybe awaiting another opportunity to prance. My eyes settle on the portmanteau next to the door, fixing themselves on our picture, our smiling faces, the symbol of friendship. What an illusion… Anger floods me again, thankfully, and I step around her, avoiding all contact. Grabbing the image displayed, I lift it up, making it stand for whatever fake friendship we had, meeting her dark brown eyes, stormy with an emotion that is not really clear for me, regret maybe? It doesn't matter.

My fingers that once had reached out for her, rip the paper into small pieces, like she had done to my hope, my trust and my heart. Our friendship was over. This chapter in my life was over. Determined I step outside the door, throwing the scrambles over the shoulder, I don't look back.

_I'm done_.

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A/N: Liked it?


	2. AN

Dear Readers,

this will be just a short commentary on the reviews i read this morning, not a second chapter.

I want to impress on everyone that this is fiction, not the script of Glee. I shall not justify or glorify what either Rachel or Santana said or implied during this last episode. I am neither in favor of Rachel admittingly annoying childish "hissy fits" of stardom, nor can i possibily comprehend why Santana reverted back to her, while entertaining, bullying and abusing nature towards her flatmate.

It is debatable that a real life friendship of the same level as Rachel's and Santana's portrayed in Glee (remember Santana yelling at brody that Rachel is family?) would take such an abrupt turn due to jealousy and insecurities. The screenwriters once again fail to include the emotional depth of an actual person, and, while I much enjoy following the series and am most interested in the Pezberry dynamic, I must admit it did neither of the characters justice. Rachel ought to be much more moderated and less like the annoying diva she started out as, and Santana surely has more sense as to give into her insecurities to such an extend as to loose a friend.

That said: Come on, people. Cut the autors of the fiction world a bit more slack. Just because I try to make sense of the last shots during Breakaway and give both girls an inner world, does not mean they acutally have it, or that I defend them. It just reminded me of an old friendship that ended also quite badly and in a similar maner and I hoped to make sense of the rather intense non-verbal communication in that scene. (Kudos to Michele's and Rivera's amazing acting) Nothing more, nothing less. Same for every work I publish out there.

Thank you for reading this through and not flaying me alive.

O.J.


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